Scream Queen B-Team

With over 150 films to her credit, a few were bound to slip through the cracks. As a big fan of Michelle Bauer, I’ve made it my mission to nab those movies that were only released on VHS and still haven’t found their way to any kind of digital video disc. While certain tapes were more expensive than others, I have no regrets. Whether she picked really fun projects to work on or just imbued them with a little extra entertainment value, Michelle’s movies are a guaranteed good time—which makes the obscurity of some all the more tragic. Here are a few worth rediscovering. 

I’m sure a lot of folks have seen Demonwarp, even if it hasn’t had an official disc release. This smorgasbord of horror tropes is just too wild to stay buried. We’ve got Bigfoot, aliens, zombies—and, of course, Michelle. Her role seems primarily designed to meet the T&A quota, yet she manages to be just as memorable as the various monsters on display. Before Miss Bauer enters the fray at the halfway point, George Kennedy attempts to warn a bunch of kids about a creature lurking in the woods near their cabin. Of course, they don’t take him seriously until a were-squatch actually makes an appearance. Things just get crazier from there, setting us up for a truly ridiculous finale. I wouldn’t want to spoil this for anyone who hasn’t had the pleasure, so suffice it to say that the final act delivers more bonkers thrills and chills than ninety percent of home-video horrors. If you’re into all-out wackiness like Spookies, you definitely need to get warped. Usually around fifty bucks, this one’s well worth finding on tape. However, any of the video sites to which I’m sure it’s been uploaded will satisfy anyone’s need for eighties cheese. Sadly, Demonwarp isn’t perfect—I mean, Michelle only has a few minutes of screen time. Let’s move on to a flick where she really gets a chance to shine. 

Eerily similar to the same year’s Destroyer (not to mention Shocker, Prison, etc.), this Camp production adds a few extra ingredients to the haunted prison subgenre. Forty years after disgraced movie mogul Otis Wilcox was put to death, his former studio is being run by a mobster and an egomaniacal director. The latter is married to Michelle Bauer’s character, who happens to be the granddaughter of the dead studio head. This would all make for interesting drama, even if Otis didn’t come back from beyond the grave and start adding the crew to his dinner menu. Shot on video with a much lower budget than any of those other prison horror flicks, Death Row Diner is still my favorite cheesy jailhouse dish. It combines offbeat humor with gooey, over-the-top gore and long scenes of Jay Richardson and Michelle hamming it up as they hash out their relationship troubles. It’s full of disparate elements that don’t always mix well, but somehow form a wonderful mélange. When Michelle finally meets her undead grandpa, their reunion leads to a perfectly weird ending to a deliciously bizarre movie. This Diner serves up the best flavors of shot-on-video horror on a silver platter, with its own unusual garnish. The tape goes for a lot more than Demonwarp, so it’s probably worth tracking down online before making that investment. However you see it, you’re in for a unique experience, at the very least. And you might just love it as much as I do. Bon appétit! 

What happens when eighties porno guys make a horror-comedy? Well, Night of the Living Babes, apparently. The result of director Gregory Dark and writer Anthony Lovett’s foray into mainstream filmmaking is actually one of my all-time favorite movies—maybe because it has such non-mainstream sensibilities. Anyone expecting an actual Romero parody or homage will be disappointed, since it’s really just a comedy with a couple horror tropes. Still, as a horror fan, I totally loved it. There’s enough moody lighting and colorful set pieces for any eighties horror flick, all crammed into a tight, hour-long package. The story is padding-free right from the start: two married buddies go in search of a hot new “zombie” brothel, assuming it has some kind of punk and goth theme. When they arrive, the pair are kidnapped by Madame Mondo and her harem of pink-haired zombie babes. This leads the guys’ wives—played by Michelle Bauer and Connie Woods—to go in search of the adulterous duo. Michelle’s character is already pretty suspicious of her husband, and this provides many opportunities to absolutely chew the shit out of all available scenery. Miss Bauer’s performance is delightfully over-the-top, matching the material perfectly. Everything about this one-hour feature goes overboard, from plot and dialogue to sets and costume design. The whole cast has great chemistry, especially Michelle and Andrew Nichols (as her lecherous husband). They were in Cafe Flesh together, a hardcore sci-fi flick that was most likely the actors’ connection to the Dark man. I would love to know the real history of this one, but that remains as elusive as the tape. I’ve read many of Michelle’s interviews and have yet to find any info about Babes. It is pretty obscure, though. I had an eBay saved search on for at least a year before a tape popped up. You’re gonna have to see this one online, unless you feel like dropping over a hundred bucks for the sweet, sweet VHS. I highly recommend watching it any way you can that doesn’t include clicking a series of shady links. Night of the Living Babes is my favorite movie that hasn’t yet been released on DVD, topping Alien Beach Party Massacre, Deadlock, Beauty School, Hollywood Boulevard 2, and the two other flicks reviewed here. Until such time as all of Michelle’s epics have deluxe Blu-rays, I hope they stay in the hearts and minds of horror freaks looking for truly enjoyable movies.